Sunday, 3 September, 2000, 1.02

I'm sorry for my lack of updates lately (and thank you all for still coming here for some reason). All day long I have so many ideas about what I could write about. Pretty often I have trouble falling asleep at night, because there are so many things that are going through my head, and I would like to write them all down. During the day I constantly have ideas. In the evening and when I am on a bike ride, my thoughts just won't stop; so many things make me think and want to write. But as soon as I'm sitting here in my chair in front of the screen, my inspiration seems to have faded.

Maybe I should write some notes down during the day; maybe then I won't have so much trouble to come up with subjects. But for now (tonight), I will use this journal in the way that 'journals' were probably meant to be used: to write down stuff that happens to me.

About a week and a half ago, my therapist was here at our house, especially to inform my parents about what they (the riagg - the psychiatrical health institution, or whatever I should call it) think is wrong with me. We all got some very clear answers.

They seem to think that I have schizophrenia. The day after my therapist was here, my dad immediately went to the library and borrowed a book about schizophrenia. This book was recommended by Ypsilon (an organization for friends and family of people with schizophrenia) as the best and most comprehensible book about this subject. It mentions a lot of symptoms, and I must say that I more or less recognize just about all of them. Except for one, and this one is the 'most important': the actual 'major psychosis.' I don't think that's the official name, but I will just call it 'major psychosis' because it's the best term I can think of right now. When I say 'major psychosis' I mean A) Hallucinations (seeing, hearing and / or feeling things that aren't there), and / or B) Delusions (like, having the feeling that everyone wants to kill you, or that you are Jezus, things like that).

I don't think I have had that, so at first I thought that I couldn't have schizophrenia. I mean sure, maybe things like that could happen later, but I have had this 'illness' for more than a year and a half now, don't you think I should have had a 'major psychosis' by now, if I really have schizophrenia?

Okay. But my therapist said that sometimes the 'borders' between certain illnesses are really vague, if not invisible. And he also said there are 'very mild forms' of schizophrenia. I'm not exactly sure about everything he said, but it was something like that.

Also, the book mentions a type of schizophrenia where especially the negative symptoms are present. (The best way I can explain this is: Positive symptoms are things that are 'added' to your life (like hallucinations and delusions); Negative symptoms are things that are 'taken' from your life (like your social skills, interests in certain things, how good you can concentrate, etc.).) I have to admit that I recognize a lot of the negative symptoms, if not all of them. Some are clearer than others; for example, my social skills have dramatically decreased. So have my interests in studies, jobs and careers. And so has my ability to concentrate on things. Sometimes it takes me hours to read a newspaper. Other things are less clear, like having strange associations with things (I can't really explain that right now). When I think about it for a while I can think of several examples in my life, but maybe I'm just looking so hard to find those things, that I eventually find things that aren't really there, or at least not as severe as described in the book.

I'm going to take a really big 'psychological test' soon, and on the basis of the data from that test, they may get a much clearer view on what is wrong with me. Also, this test is especially important for them to find out what I am still capable of, I mean what kind of jobs, and stuff like that. It may sound strange but I'm actually looking forward to taking that test; I don't know why though.

If my inspiration keeps leaving me everytime I turn on the computer, I will just keep you informed about developments like the ones above. But I really hope I'll be able to write about other things again soon.

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Wednesday, 27-9, 2000, 0.39

Yes, I'm still here. I was feeling pretty bad last week, and in the weekend too, but Sunday in the afternoon / evening I started feeling better again.

I won't get into too many details of why I was feeling bad (that is, if there is a real reason at all), but one of the things was that I began to realize again that my feelings are useless. My feelings are like Anthony Lurling's goal against Valencia: wonderful for the moment, but in the end they don't count. For a few seconds I get exited, no, ecstatic - but then I see the linesman standing with his flag up, and I realize that it was too good to be true - it was just a dream, just an illusion, and nothing more than that.

But, like I said, let's not get too much into details about those sad feelings. What matters right now is tonight, Eindhoven, the city of light. Manchester United, the English champions, a team of millions (referring to money), a team of comrads, a team of stars - as long as they win. But tonight, against a team of internationally unknown Dutch guys, some of whom just got out of their puberty (to exaggerate a little), the Mancunians showed their real faces: they really are a team of stars - as long as they have the lead. They really are a team of comrads - as long as they win. Sure, they may be good players, but tonight they were lacking at least one very important thing, which is exactly the one thing that the Dutch national team always lacks which causes them not to win a big prize: mentality. No one has ever heard of Björn van der Doelen, but when he is on the field, no miljonair superstar can beat him You can almost see him think. "I don't give a fuck if your names are Roy Keane, Paul Scholes or Dwight Yorke, if you try to go passed me I'll make sure you'll be Womanchester United from then on." Johann Vogel? Same story. Kevin Hofland? Same story too.

Well, I could write a lot more, but I figure by the time the average American has figured out what on earth I was just talking about, they already got sick of my page anyway :-)

I'll try to write something more interesting next time. Gee, it's not the first time I said something like that.....

Good night!

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