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Saturday, June 5, 1999, 1.41
Now that it's been about 6 weeks ago that ******** last mailed me, I realise she has just left me alone. Well, that says enough about me, I guess. Yesterday while watching an (old?) episode of Baywatch, I began to realise how she probably thinks of me. In this episode, some guy was madly in love with Shauni and he did really nice things for her, but that guy was pictured in the same way as ******** probably thinks of me: as some kind of obsessed maniac. Actually I should be grateful for the times when she did help me. I mean, why would she? She had absolutely no reason for it, she was just being nice. So I can't be mad at her for leaving me in the cold now. Only it hurts so much that when I love a girl so much, she'll think it's scary.
As you read this, maybe you're thinking that ******** is some kind of pretty and arrogant-"I'm-beautiful-thus-out-of-your- reach"- kind of girl. But she isn't; she's not drop-dead-gorgeous, she's just so nice, sweet, innocent... she's beautiful to mé... yeah she still is, I've talked about that a few weeks ago in this journal.
I have so much more to say, but after what I said in the previous paragraph I'm getting a breakdown now, so I'll just upload this and then cry myself through the night... again.
2.00
Wednesday, June 9, 1999, 1.36
A few days ago, I even tried to study. Bad idea. I was crying within 5 minutes, and I had hardly read 3 sentences by that time. I'm so scared of what's gonna happen. I mean, I have studied about 5 or 10 minutes this whole trimester, and I have tests coming up: the first one is on the 16th of this month, so that's in one week. So I'll probably fail all my tests. And what will happen then? What will my family say? What must I do? I mean, I know I should quit my study, but how can I tell my family? And moreover, what should I do then? I mean, with just a highschool diploma I won't get very far in life, especially not when I can't concentrate on anything. And about my family: I can't even IMAGINE what it would be like if they understood, that's how irrealistic it is to think they'd understand. They'd probably blaim me, and tell me things like "it's enough now, snap out of it." Sorry, I'm having a breakdown again, so I'll continue this some other time.
1.47
Tuesday, June 15, 1999, 1.47
Well I haven't got much time at the moment, but I'll try to write something anyway. The past few days have been terrible. Every night I can't stop crying, and even during the day I have difficulty keeping my eyes dry. Luckily I'm doing a little better at this moment.
Yesterday night I wrote what will probably be my last e-mail to ********. Deep inside I was thinking about writing a "goodbye-letter," but I haven't actually said goodbye 'cause I couldn't handle it. Writing it was hard enough, but when I wanted to type "Bye bye baby" (after the song by TQ) as the subject, I went crazy. I was drowning in my tears, I started hyperventilating (I think, 'cause I don't know exactly what that is), and I smacked my head against the wall a few times. I just can't handle the thought of never seeing her again. I mean, I still think about her almost every second, and that's one of the few things that I'm sure about in my life. And one of the things that keep me "alive," although I can hardly call it alive.
After typing that last sentence I began to cry again, for the first time this evening, so I guess it's time to stop now.
1.57
Friday, June 18, 1999, 0.28
Last Wednesday I had a test. Well, what can I say? Of course I did terrible. Even if I would have studied, I would probably still have done terrible. Because I couldn't focus at all. I almost started crying a few times, but luckily I somehow managed to hold my tears untill after the test. Then I went to the toilet and cried there for a few minutes. After that I went home, and when my parents asked me how I did, I said "oh, nothing special, I think I did good." I knew I was gonna say that. I just can't tell them the truth. Maybe they wouldn't know how to handle it, but more likely they wouldn't even take me seriously. Just like ********, I think. I don't think many people are going to take me seriously in real life, untill... you know what I mean. Well, after telling my parents about the test, I had to go to the bathroom again to cry for a few minutes. And that's how I spent most of the evening. Luckily I got a little better around 12 o'clock, so I did manage to get some sleep.
I had the stangest dream (* are the borders between dreams and reality): * I was working for the exploiment agency (which I will call ASA from now on), and I had such a strange job: there was a cancer virus (!) haunting around in the city and I had to measure the risk of getting cancer in a certain neighbourhood (yeah, I have very weird dreams, I know). Of course I shirked the difficulty, like I did twice in real life with co-organising the construction of polling-booths (Pendrecht turned out to be a rather 'corrupt' neighbourhood, you know...), also through ASA. I just wrote something down, without having measured anything. A few days later , I heard that ******** (who happened to live in that neighbourhood (everything is possible in my dreams)) had been admitted in a hospital in a critical condition, 'cause she had... yep. * I know, it was a pretty weird dream, but my dreams are often very weird. Like a few nights ago, * I dreamt that Marilyn Manson was mugging me in an underground car-park, and then he told me to walk away nice and easy without looking back (like bad guys always tell their victims in the movies), and then he shot me from behind (duh). But I didn't die (no, if only I did...). * And another night, I dreamt about running into ******** all the time, while she just ignored me.
Everytime I wake up after dreaming about ********, I'm in terrible pain. And most of these times I can't even cry. Like I'm also feeling now. And that's terrible. I wish I could cry. I WANNA CRY!!! But it doesn't work. And the sorrow and pain build up inside. Cutting deeply into my heart, soul, brains, etc. One of these days I'm gonna have a terrible breakdown, I think.
Within 9 hours from now, I'm having a test again. Well... it's no use at all, but I'll probably go anyway. At least the room where the tests are given is right next to the school where ******** goes, so there's a slight chance for me to see her. But even if I did, what would happen? I mean, I can't imagine that she would still say anything meaningful to me now. Maybe she would just ignore me, like in that dream. And that makes me so desperate. Oh wait, what I just thought of: she never has to go to school on Fridays.
The quote for today: Everything, more or less, is looking so meaningless, and fades to grey. (Roxette, "Anyone")
1.16
Sunday, June 20, 1999, 1.23
The night after the previous paragraph, was rather terrible. Since I started having these horrifying and scary nights, I always have my walkman right next to my pillow, so I can listen to the radio when I'm beginning to feel that way again. But I hadn't had such a night for a few nights, and I also had to recharge the batteries, so my walkman wasn't available that night. Things went well in the beginning, but suddenly I had this vision: I saw ******** standing in the hall where the tests are given, exactly like she stood there the time when I had that second-chance-test in January. It felt like someone suddenly hit me on the head, while I never saw it coming. And I could still hardly cry. So it hurted like hell, and there was nothing I could do about it; the only thing I could do was just let it happen. Luckily I fell asleep after a while.
I could say something about the test, but considering the fact that I've already told you I had studied for about 15 minutes this whole trimester, I don't think I have to say anything more.
Today, by which I mean Saturday, I had this mood which I have read about on some other homepages: a numb mood in which you feel nothing, and in which doing simple things takes great effort. I had had this mood several times before (approximately 5 times a week, I guess, only not always that severe), but I never recognized it that way untill I read it on a few pages. Sparta (Rotterdam, not Prague) won their last match (away against FC Groningen; 0-3) of the season, and therefore they miraculously escaped from relegation. But I didn't jump around the house in joy. I felt nothing. However, a few minutes later I did feel something, namely hate against the tv-station SBS6. The tv-guide said Groningen-Sparta would be on tv at 10 o'clock, but when I wanted to watch it, it turned out that there had been a LIVE broadcast at 7, and that it wouldn't be on tv again. I truly hate SBS6 for that! The most important match of the season, and they do a thing like that! That's why the rights of broadcasting football ("soccer" if you're from North America) should belong to NOS, not SBS6 (you only understand that if you're Dutch, sorry).
I can hardly imagine: tomorrow is actually my birthday (and my cat's, and my cousin's). I hate it. I don't want to make people believe that I'm happy. Because I'm not. And moreover, it's also father's day, so I'll "have to" get out of bed very early to make my dad some breakfast. Besides the weather forecast says it's gonna be terrible weather, so I'll have absolutely nothing to do all day. Well maybe there's one thing: I'm gonna try to tape Groningen-Sparta tonight, 'cause at 2.25 there seems to be a rerun. I hope so, 'cause then at least I'll have something to do tomorrow. Oh, and I really really really wanna see the match, of course. And Excelsior-Helmond Sport (7-1!) (Excelsior is a football ("soccer") club next to the university) too.
1.55
Wednesday, June 23, 1999, 1.30
My birthday turned out to be less terrible than I thought, thank God. After making my dad breakfast I quickly went back to bed again and slept untill 12.30. That's not late - no, it's early. I used to sleep untill 2 pm when I didn't have anything to do all day, but my parents started complaining about that. I don't know why; I guess they just need to show their authority...? Well anyway, what was best about my birthday, was that my parents gave me a new espresso machine. I love them! I have had an espresso machine for a few years, and the last 6 months I drank approximately 1 kilo (2 pounds) of espresso each month. But then the machine broke (the reason for that turned out to be the fact that I always tried to create an enormous pressure (so the espresso will get stronger (and, with a little luck, cause a heart attack ;-) ), and that pressure seems to have caused a tube to leak. Well anyway, now that I have an espresso machine again, maybe I can get back to the old amount of cafeine in my blood (or blood in my cafeine).
I finally got to see the highlights of Groningen-Sparta, three days after the match... a local tv-station showed them on Monday, while I was messing up a test again, so I had to tape them and watch them on Tuesday. But at least I saw them.
Taking that test was, of course, completely useless. Yeah, 100% useless, 'cause it was at 18.30, so ******** probably wasn't even in the neighbourhood. I suddenly notice that it seems to be impossible for me to write something in my journal without talking about her. That doesn't surprise me. But soon a terrible thing will happen: she'll leave the country. Not forever, but for the summer. She'll spend the summer in her own country. Where she belongs... for NorthEast Rotterdam's own little piece of sunshine shouldn't be in this rainy climate, I guess...
So tomorrow, on the way to my last test, will probably be the last day when there's a slight chance for me to see her. Not that I could say anything (useful) to her, but at least I could look into her eyes one more time... => the closest I'll ever get to paradise... 'cause I'll always be a loser, I'm never gonna win this game, no way I could live another life, I don't think that I will ever change. (Billy the Kid, "Loser")
2.01
Thursday, June 24, 1999, 1.28
So today was my last test. It was about math and there aren't many students who understand anything of it. You aren't allowed to leave the room the first hour, so as soon as the first hour was over, 300 students turned in their papers and went home. You get to read 40 propositions, and of each of them you have to say whether it's right or wrong so you just have to draw 40 dashes (I don't know all these English words and expressions, so excuse me if you don't know what I mean). So most of the students just drawed 40 dashes (just guessing every answer) and waited untill the first hour was over, and then went home. But I was so bad at focussing that it took me an hour and a half just to draw those 40 dashes... hell, I don't care.
But what I DO care about, is that I didn't see ******** (here I go again...). As I walked along her school, the radio said whatever you do, whatever it takes, I will be right here waiting for you. As I was trying to draw 40 dashes (fill in 40... eeeh... holes?), my head said you'll always be a loser, you're never gonna win this game, no way you could ever live another life, I don't think that you will ever change. As I walked to the subway / bus station on the way home, the radio said tell me how am I supposed to live without you, now that I've been loving you so long, how am I supposed to live without you, and how am I supposed to carry on, when all that I've been living for is gone. In the subway to the Beurs station my cassette said I wanna know what love is, I want you to show me, I wanna know what love is, so come on and show me, can't stop now, I've travelled so far to change this lonely life. In the other subway, to the Central Station, it said so tired of this straight life, that everywhere you go, there's vultures and thieves at your back, storm keeps on twisting, keep on building the lies that you make up for all that you lack. In the tram to the Marconiplein in Spangen the radio said I don't want to sing another lovesong baby, I don't want to hum another melody, I don't want to spend my life without you. And on the bus, I turned off the radio and tried to sleep, which didn't work. So now you know a bit how I felt. I think I'll go to the university again tomorrow... to look if maybe I can get to know my grades (as if I don't know...)... and maybe if I could see........ here I go again. Well, in 8 days, she'll be gone. We'll be oceans apart, day after day, and I slowly go insane. (if I'm not going insane already...) Too bad I'm the only one who'll go insane. Too bad she doesn't give a damn about how far I am away - or she's even happy / reliefed (releaved? relieved?) that I'll be so far away.
Last night I dreamt that I told my mom what was going on with me. She told me how brave I was for telling her. I thought that maybe that was some sort of signal, that I should tell my parents as soon as possible because they WOULD understand. But I haven't got the guts to do that.
1.53
Monday, June 28, 1999, 1.29
Last Thursday I was gonna try to see ******** one more time, as you've probably just read, but I didn't get the chance to go to the university because I had to pick up my sister from school. So I probably won't see her ever again. Tomorrow I'll maybe go to the university, but I think she doesn't have to go to school anymore, since she'll be going home soon, and besides, my brother has also got vacation already and my sister will in a few days (they're both in highschool).
In three weeks, my parents & brother & sister are going on holiday, so I'll be home alone with the cat & other animals for at least two weeks. I'm kinda looking forward to it; maybe the peacefullness and quietness around me will do me good. Besides I'll get the chance to get drunk / high each night. (Not that I will, but if I need to, I could.)
Yesterday, I mean Saturday, the weather was beautiful. I rode (I mean the past perfect of ride; the dictionary doesn't mention it) my bike all afternoon, all around the municipality (that's what the dictionary said, but does anyone ever use that word??) just to get out of the house for a while. At night there was... I'm gonna look this word up in the dictionary, so don't be surprised if you'll see a really strange word... summer lightning. I didn't really expect it to be in the dictionary, but it did, well anyway, what I mean is when you see lightning but there's no thunder. I love to watch that, so I took my bike and went south - where there are just a few farms and further than that nothing, not even lampposts, so it's very dark, so you can see the summer lightning even better. (When there's summer lightning around here, there hardly ever is a thunderstorm coming up - most of the time the actual thunderstorm is days away -if it's even coming at all- so you can safely watch the lightnings.) Usually such a lightning takes only a small part of the sky, but that night as I cycled off the driveway, the whole southern sky was lit. So I was really impressed and I was looking forward to how it would be in the southern part of Bernisse (the "municipality"). Well, when I reached Zuidland (the southernmost village of Bernisse, but still miles away from the southern county line) I had only seen 2 or 3 summer lightnings. So I was kinda "disappointed." But still, I was planning on going even further south, so I could see it better. I went to the path to the southernmost part of Bernisse, and as I was on my way to that path, the lightnings were precisely behind my back so I wasn't supposed to see them. But right before I was going to take a right turn -into the path south- I saw an enormous lightning. So I thought "this is gonna be serious" so I turned left -home- in stead of right -far away from home. That may have saved my life. I have never cycled as fast as that night. These enormous lightnings kept coming, sometimes one every 10 seconds, and sometimes hurting my eyes (as a matter of speech). It felt like I could even "feel" them. There still was no thunder (at least I didn't hear thunder, but then, I was listening to the radio). I was about 5 miles from home and I thought there was a real thunderstorm coming up, so I cycled for my life. Then it started to rain. But I got home safe. As I opened the door, an enormous thunder spread it's sound all over the area, and within a few minutes, really heavy weather started. Wow, not that I think about it: I was really lucky. If I would have thought "oh, summer lightning is hardly ever followed by a thunderstorm here, so I might as well go further south," I would have gotten into terrible trouble, probably.
Well, it's getting late so I'll have to go to bed soon. I was feeling pretty blue when I started writing this, but after recalling the whole thunderstorm-happenings, I don't feel so sad anymore - at least not for the moment.
2.07
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