Tuesday, July 11, 2000, 1.31

I hate having to write journal entry in a hurry but I have to. I was gonna start at about 1.13, but when I wanted to open the files of my page, my folder suddenly disappeared. After searching for a while I found it back, in another folder (???). And in this process, the computer crashed TWICE, so I had to restart TWICE.

I suppose I could say an aweful lot about what's happening with me lately. In a nutshell: I can't set one step in the house without my parents giving me suggestions for a job I could get; my Riagg therapist is coming over tomorrow and I'm afraid he's gonna ruin my life, intentionally or not; after the conversation with my therapist tomorrow, my dad will continue where my therapist left off, and make me want to kill myself. Voilą, my life nowadays, in less than three lines.

But there are also a lot of other things on my mind. I had a "job interview" today (if you can call it that; it was for a job for three weeks, every day from 16.00-18.00 so I think "job interview" is a bit of a big word for it), and on my way over there I got a newspaper. These things always start a rage inside my mind. I always get so sad, angry and frustrated when I read them.

I could give a hundred examples but I only have time for one. Which one am I gonna choose? The message that children in hopeless suffering won't get the right of euthanasia without the permission of their parents? Another Serbian-Albanian thing in Kosovo? "Riots at commemoration of riots" (Iran)? Lives of 100,000 christians on Ambon threatened? The column: "The death penalty is a sign of impotence" (which, unlike the other messages, I totally agree with)? The ridiculous story around the World Gay Pride and the pope? Yes, I'll go with that one. I'll have to keep it short though.

The past few weeks I've been reading a lot about that idiot and his braindead sidekicks. One of the things it says here in the newspaper is "The Vatican is furious about the fact that gay people are expressing themselves so openly in Rome in the year that is announced by the pope as catholic 'celebration year'" (the 6537th word of this entry that I had to look up in the dictionary, was not mentioned there so sorry for that translation). Now, who is this pope-guy to condemn the Gay Parade?

A listener of a Dutch radio station summer it up pretty well today in his e-mail to an afternoon show. "This legalized nutcase in Rome is more of a fascist than Adolf himself." Or "It's time the pope starts reading the gospel (my dictionary must be getting tired of me) and reads what Jesus said about acceptation and tolerance." He said some other great things but I would have to look up another bazillion words in my dictionary to write it down here, so I'm sorry but I can't.

Why are there so many wars and riots on earth? What causes them? I think hate does, along with not being able to control that hate or put in in perspective. Or, to put it in a different way: the fact that people condemn everything they don't understand, or everything that is different.

If the pope, who is a "role-model" (?) for millions of people in the world is participating in spreading hate, then who is he to condemn the muslims on Ambon who kill innocent people because they (the victims) are christians? He is such a g*dd*mn hypocrite! I don't like to swear, but this pope guy made me do it.

I suggest that all gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual etc. people announce 2001 as a "celebration year", and put all their efforts in forbidding catholics to go to church.

(Don't take that seriously!!! Doing that would be the exact same thing as what is happening on Ambon, in Kosovo and in way too many other places.)

Damn, I wish I was gay! :-)

2.12

 

 

Monday, July 24, 2000, 0.50

I'm terribly sorry that I've been gone for so long. I wanted to update much earlier, but as you may have noticed, Angelfire was bugging me. And they still are. For about a week (or maybe more), I could only upload half files. The uploading "process" stopped in the middle, and the bottoms of my files just weren't uploaded. But this afternoon I couldn't even connect to Angelfire using FTP (a program to upload files from your computer to your page very quickly).

Tonight when I was riding my bike, I got inspiration for a writing again. But since the inspiration vanished as I got home, I'll write that later. Although I don't know when I'm going to "publish" it; maybe not until the day I die. Not because I'm ashamed of it (on the contrary!), but because I don't feel like many people would take me seriously. I can reveal a small part of it: it's kind of like a "crusade" against hate. I don't really mean 'hate' like when someone has hurt you (I don't think that's hate; I think it just feels like it but it isn't really hate). I mean more like irresponsible hate. In the tv guide I read an article about the Ku Klux Klan, and there's gonna be a documentary about it on tv soon. That has gotten my mind started, and once my mind gets really started.... there's no stopping it. But, like I said, I don't have enough inspiration now.

So, instead of writing that writing, I'll just update you on what has happened with me lately.

I've been looking for a job. I have written application letters to two different taxi companies, because I want to be a part time taxi driver. Not just the cabs that drive drunken lunatics with guns through the city, but also vans that drive old and handicapped people to day care centers, and things like that.

Oh by the way I should tell this: my riagg therapist said that maybe it would be best for me not to work at all. But I would feel guilty if I wouldn't have a job or follow a study, so that's why I'm trying to be a part time taxi driver. Part time because I don't think I could do any job full time; I'd go crazy. (My riagg therapist is also convinced of that; we had a long conversation and he totally agrees with me and supports me. The exact reasons would probably be way too long to explain here, but it involves my "philosophies" and my thinking.) And taxi driver because I love to drive, and because it sounds like one of the best (or least bad) jobs for me.

Last Wednesday I got a call from one of the companies, and I had a job interview on Friday. It went really well; especially because I hardly had to tell anything about myself. The director mostly talked about the company and how it would be for me to work there. He said he wanted me to think things through really well, because it will take a lot to get new employees started there so he doesn't want people to quit after only one week. I have to call him on Friday to tell him my decision. Then, if I decide to go through with it, I'm going to ride along with another taxi driver, to experience how everything works. Then I can still decide not to do it. So I have a lot of reserves, which is good!

And then there's this other thing. It's hard for me to explain, especially in English but it's also because this subject is really hard. It's about the legal system. See, my dad is probably going to get a steady job soon. And then something's going to change qua insurances, which is causing my health insurance to be exactly as expensive as the ones of the other members of my family altogether, because I am no longer a student. To avoid this (the expensiveness of my health insurance), I have to be registered as unemployed. To be registered as unemployed, you have to sign up at the "job bureau." When I went there to sign up, they said I'd better sign up for social benefits too. So now I have to get social benefits, while I may have a job soon (theoretically). Anyway, this signing up for social benefits is really hard, because I have to have all kinds of documents. First of all I needed all the bank statements of the last three months. Which was kind of a problem, because I always throw those things away. So I had to go to the bank, and now they have sent me copies. But there are a lot of other documents that I also need; I am still in the process of asking for them, or waiting to receive them. I don't think there's a big chance, but theoretically speaking, I could have a job by the time I have all the documents I need. But, like I said, I don't think there's a big chance I'll have a job by then. One thing is that I have to have a medical examanation (to see if I am in the right condition to become a taxi driver). And it could take a while before I can have that - and then I'll also have to get through it!

Oh, and the last thing: My parents + brother + sister are on vacation!!! So I'm home all by myself! I am FREE!!!!! Sorry I'm pretty excited about it :-)

I hope everything will continue to work with this URL. This afternoon the whole 50megs-things was down, so I can only hope that it's better now. Also, it may take a while before the backgrounds and images are back - please be patient. And if you come across a dead link, please tell me about it if you feel like sharing it with me.

1.36

 

 

Monday, July 31, 2000, 1.10

Tonight I was listening to the radio station with the most mysterious name that any radio station has ever had: Radio 538. Anyway, on Sunday evening they always have a show in which a girl-slash-woman named Sylvana gives advice to listeners about problems in relationships, and everything that has something to do with that.

(It was pretty funny; Sylvana wasn't there and she was replaced by another DJ, Barry, and he seemed incredibly immature about some subjects. For instance, a 14-year old guy asked him a question about his penis (the penis of the guy who asked the question :-) ), and this Barry tried to answer really mature, but you could hear that inside his head he was probably having the Beavis and Butthead syndrome ("heheheh..... he said... 'penis'...."). But this has nothing to do with what I was going to talk about.)

Around 22.50, a woman called (I would say 'girl', but she was 32 so I'll call her woman) who said something like "all guys are scum, be careful girls, I've had enough bad experiences to know that every guy will sweet-talk to you at first, but then dump you after he got what he wanted." (for the record: she said something like that, not exactly that.) And she also said some stuff that guys aren't sensitive.

Yeah sure, there are no sensitive guys, and all guys are scum. And all Surinams are muggers, all Moroccans are drug runners, all Turkeys are Grey Wolves, all Belgians are dumb, all Yugoslavians are aggressive and hateful, all Swedes are blond, all women with short hair are lesbians (especially if they gain weight!), all catholics are anti-gay, all people in psychiatrical hospitals are crazy, and all Dutch soccer players can't score from a penalty.

A girl falls in love with the wrong guys a few times and therefor has bad experiences. Combine those experiences with a few songs by Destiny's Child and voilą, another man hater is born.

Anyway. I felt a little offended. I knew that she probably didn't mean it like that, but still. For the past few nights I've been getting pretty sad everytime, and pretty often I start to cry because I think of my future; my future as a partially unemployed misfit in a back street, being sneered at by the whole neighbourhood, spending christmas alone in my apartment lieing on the floor boozing while cutting the words "Merry Christmas" in my arm.

Oh, and there was also another (female) caller, who gave advice to girls. She said that girls should tell a guy very clearly what they do and don't want. According to her, on the first date girls should say "I want this, I don't want that, so if we stick to those rules it will be okay." And she also said that girls should show a lot of self confidence.

Well I sent an e-mail to that radio show, saying that there are guys who are sensitive. And, about the other caller, that relationships are not a business agreement. And a lot of self confidence is probably the biggest possible turn-off for me. There are already so many people (not just girls) who seem to have such perfect lives and are so damn self confident, and seem to think of a love affair as a little extra pleasure that could be fun every once in a while. (Take a look at the tv station TMF one time and you'll know what I mean. Do you know the song (+ video!) by this girl who is called In Full Color? Oh-my-god, the horror!!!)

People who are not afraid to show their insecurities are so much more interesting!

Anyway, they read one sentence of my e-mail on the radio; the one that there are also sensitive guys. I don't remember exactly what they said about my message, but I think they asked me if I could give my phone number to them so that they could give it to the lady who first called (the one who said that all guys are scum).

Yeah, she'd wish! :-) She may be 11 years older than me, but I feel at least 10 years older than her (qua maturity). I don't want to be arrogant - actually, I think I'm being quite modest :-)

2.07