Thursday evening, during PAOK Saloniki - PSV , 7 December 2000

There are always people who think they need to tell you how to live your life. I remember all through kindergarten and elementary school I couldn't make one exersice, or even a drawing, without other kids trying to tell me that I should do things differently. But they were little kids, just like me, so I won't blame them for that - they were not responsible for their actions yet.

However, people like that kept harassing me. It begins with the children who critisize your drawings in kindergarten, and it goes on on and. Even when you are studying at a university, there are people who think they need to tell you what clothes to wear, how to wear your backpack, or how to hold your public transport pass when you show it to the bus driver. I have gotten more and more withdrawn and hardly talk to people anymore, so nowadays I don't get bothered by such people too much. Yet I have often wanted to say something about this attitude, but I never really had an occasion for it until now. Thank you Lee, writer of Entry #123 in my guestbook.

By the time I wrote The Story, I was indeed waisting away because Michelle didn't love me back. Why does that upset you? You don't even know me; I don't see why it could upset you.

Let me reply more specifically:

"What was it about her that made you want to be with her, besides her beauty?"

I don't know how you got the idea that I wanted to be with her because of her beauty. I never said she was beautiful in general - I only said that she was beautiful to me. That's usually the case when you're in love with someone.

"I don't believe in love at first site."

Okay. Does that mean that it doesn't exist? There are 6 billion people in the world; I think somewhere on earth there must be at least one happily married couple with whom it was love at first sight.

"Love at first site is caused by physical attraction, not true love."

Could be true. But what does this have to do with the story on my page? I never said that I loved Michelle at first sight. In fact, in the first few weeks I hardly even noticed her. I'm pretty sure that I have written that somewhere on my page too.

"There is a big world out there"

Why don't you just say "there are plenty of fish in the sea" ; that would make the cliché complete. I'm sure I'm not the only one who detests that saying after being rejected by the one I'm in love with.

"Why don't move on."

I have. I know you didn't get the chance to read everything on my page yet, and I understand that; but it would be nice if you would read about me first, before you judge me.

"Get up, quit being so depressed, and make yourself happy."

See this is probably the part I hated the most. Who are you to decide what I should do? You sound just like my classmates in kindergarten and elementary school, except that they at least had the decency to meddle in my drawings and school exercises, instead of my life and the way I feel (as if I can actually do something about that).

"It is not health to listen to just sad love songs."

Okay, I'm glad there are also people who want to tell me what music I should listen to... imagine if I had to decide that for myself! By the way, for your information, sad love songs are not the only kind of music I listen to. But I wonder why I'm even telling you that.

"I am 18 and I had my heart broken in the worst possible way. But, I stayed strong because I know that there was more out there. Right now I am having to deal with the fact that we have not been together for a year. But thats ok. Because he doesn't deserve me and I know that. When are you going to realize it?"

Well, I'm glad to say that when it comes to love, my heart is stronger than my common sense. I can't say that I have much of a 'love life' , but if I will ever have one, at least I know that I will never neglect or ruin it because of something like a career. I like to think with my mind, but love with my heart. So when I'm in love, my mind won't have too much influence in it. I will mostly leave it up to my heart. And if that leaves me hurt, then so be it. It's a high price, but I'm glad to know that at least I have feelings like that. A good heart these days is hard to find, but I have one of my own.

Now, for our final conclusion...

I'm not acting against the one who wrote this; I am acting against his / her ideas. In the Netherlands alone, there are already hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of people who behave like this - trying to tell other people how to live their lives. Sadly, the people influenced by them are often 'friends.' But not always. I'm glad that fate sent me a scapegoat to denounce this kind of attitude for once. If you read my story and my journal, and you feel you would have done things different in my situation, that's fine with me. If you tell me, that's fine with me too. But DON'T come here and tell me that I should have done things your way. I have my own rules and standards, and I try to live on my terms. I never have the intention to harm anyone, unless there is a darn good reason for it.

Nevertheless, if you insist, you can critisize me for anything you want - even though it can get annoying; it also reminds me of the fact that I have had my evolution, and that I have grown with my age - and it's nice to have a scapegoat to expose certain things that irritate me.

Later in the same night

 

 

Saturday, 23-12-2000, 20.17

It seems as if we're heading towards anarchy here.

Let's see... first there was the documentary about Ajax (a soccer club from Amsterdam). It was supposed to come out in cinemas all across the country, but after several threats by hooligans from clubs in other cities, the documentary was cancelled in those cities. You can now see it in exactly *2* cities.

In Amsterdam, there have been several cold-blooded liquidations of criminals in the past few months (in broad daylight).

For one of those liquidations, friends of the victim (among whom were Hell's Angles) were released from prison for a day, to be at the funeral.

Because of, among other ones, the above three facts, a 'talkshow' (a rather 'intelligent' one; not like Jerry Springer) debated about the question if the underworld isn't getting too much power and influence in our society. They mentioned the Hell's Angels a couple of times in their show. A group of Hell's Angels answered the question themselves by breaking into the studio and molesting the two hosts of the show.

In Den Bosch, an argument between some neighbours gets so serious that the police has to be involved. A police officer feels threatened by one of the people, and shoots twice, killing the person who was said to threaten him (I'm not judging - I wasn't there so I depend on the media, which give different views). Bad luck for the police is that the 'victim' was a member of the hardcore supporters (hooligans) of FC Den Bosch... the whole group goes insane with anger. Result: Three days of serious riots in the center of the city.

And then there is Maluku Warchild. I'm afraid the Moluccas (Maluku) are not much in the news in most of your countries, so let me tell a short version of the story... starting with the most told version (in the media) : On the Moluccas there is some kind of 'war' going on between muslims and christians. The muslims have asked for the help of muslims in other places in the world, which was a smart move... Lots of Arabian muslims are always in the mood to kill. So, several troups of Laskar Jihad came from Arabia to the Moluccas (which, by the way, is a part of Indonesia, but it wants to become independent) and started helping the muslims to fight against the christians. (Jihad = Holy War)

And now the version that practically every Moluccan tells: People on the Moluccas don't want to fight eachother, but the Indonesian government wants to get rid of them (the Moluccas are pretty much a pain in the ass to Indonesia, because they always want to become independent... something like that). So, the Indonesian government hired Laskar Jihad to start a Jihad against the christians on the Moluccas. By the way, Moluccan muslims who refuse to participate, get killed themselves.

So far for that part of the story. The Netherlands have a large community of Moluccans (I think the Moluccas used to be a Dutch colony). These people want the Dutch government to take action, which I can totally understand... but a few groups have threatened with terrorism if their demands won't be granted. In other words, they will start their own Jihad.

One splinter group, by the name of Maluku Warchild, have already committed a few 'small' deeds... they threw molotov cocktails at a train (this action failed) , they set a train on fire on a station (two minor injuries) , and they caused fire in a police station by throwing molotov cocktails.

Oh I should tell this... trains seem to be the favourite object for Moluccan terrorists; in the 70s or 80s a couple of trains got hijacked.

This past week there was a big attack on a train planned by Maluku Warchild, this time with heavy weapons, to let the government know that this Jihad should be taken seriously. Unfortunately for MW, that darn devil caused a train strike most of the week...

To be continued, I'm afraid...

(I don't feel like wishing everyone a Merry christmas here)

21.00